Recipe for the Mostest Ultimate-est Breakfast Sandwich in the History of the Universe by The Sexy Vegan


A recipe by Brian Patton (a.k.a. The Sexy Vegan), taken from The Sexy Vegan Cookbook: Extraordinary Food from an Ordinary Dude. 

To read more about The Sexy Vegan, check out The Vegan Woman’s cookbook review.

Mostest Ultimate-est Breakfast Sandwich in the History of the Universe

Makes 4 sandwiches 

4 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons Scramble Seasoning (see recipe below)

Four 3-by-3-by-4-inch slices drained extra-firm tofu 

4 teaspoons vegan mayo (see WTF below)

4 English muffins, halved and toasted

8 strips Tempeh Bacon (see recipe below), fully prepared and kept warm

4 Pretend Breakfast Sausage Patties (see recipe below), fully prepared and kept warm

1 packed cup mixed greens (like baby romaine, arugula, radicchio, and mesclun)

4 slices beefsteak tomato

Salt and pepper

WTF is vegan mayo?  It is something I have not been able to replicate using household ingredients.  A company called Follow Your Heart makes my favorite one, Vegenaise. It’s made with grapeseed oil, and it’s delicious. You can get it at any health food store or on the interwebs.

Scramble Seasoning

Makes approximately 2½ tablespoons

 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast  

1 teaspoon chili powder

1 teaspoon black salt

1/2 teaspoon cumin

1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

1/4 teaspoon turmeric

1/4 teaspoon pepper

Whisk all ingredients together, and store in an airtight container.

Tempeh Bacon

Makes about 16 strips

1/2 cup low-sodium tamari or soy sauce  

11/2 tablespoons Crazy Shit Vinegar (see recipe below) or apple cider vinegar

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon paprika

2 teaspoons molasses

2 teaspoons vegan Worcestershire sauce 

1 drop liquid smoke 


One 8-ounce package tempeh, sliced into 8-inch-thick strips

Extra-virgin olive oil for frying (optional)

In a medium bowl, whisk together the tamari, vinegar, garlic powder, paprika, molasses, Worcestershire, liquid smoke, and a couple grinds of pepper. Pour the marinade into a zip-top bag, add the tempeh slices, gently slosh them around so they get coated, squeeze the bag to suck out as much of the air as possible, and zip it closed. Put the bag in the fridge to let the tempeh marinate for at least 8 hours (24 hours is ideal).

To cook the bacon, let any excess marinade fall away from the strips, and either bake at 375°F for about 10 minutes or fry in a pan with a little oil over medium heat for about 3 minutes per side, until browned.

The Crazy Shit and the Crazy Shit Vinegar

This tasty relish goes on anything and everything. Add it to sandwiches, tacos, burritos, burgers, veggie dogs, salads, dressings, and dips. The vinegar can be used when you want to add a punch of flavor, a kick of heat, and a flying elbow drop of awesomeness to dressings and sauces. I keep both of these items on hand at all times. The relish will keep for about three weeks in a sealed container in the fridge, and the vinegar will keep for 2 to 3 months in a mason jar in the fridge.

Makes about 1 cup of Crazy Shit and about 1½ cups of Crazy Shit Vinegar

2 cups distilled white vinegar

4 tablespoons unrefined granulated sugar

1/2 medium red bell pepper, sliced into 4-inch-thick strips

2 medium carrots, cut into 4-inch-thick slices

1 jalapeno pepper, cut into 4-inch-thick slices

1/2 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced

In a saucepan, bring the vinegar and sugar to a boil. Reduce to a simmer, and stir until the sugar is completely dissolved. Add the bell pepper, carrots, jalapeno, and onion, and simmer for 1 more minute, then turn off the heat. Transfer to a bowl, and set aside to cool to room temperature. And don’t be all hasty and put it in the fridge to cool it faster — it needs this time to develop the flavors.

When it’s cool, drain liquid from the vegetables, but do not throw away the liquid!!! That vinegar is now infused with all those great flavors, and it will last for months in a sealed container in the fridge. If you own The Sexy Vegan Cookbook, you will find it again elsewhere in the book under the name crazy shit vinegar (I’m so creative).

In a blender or food processor, pulse about half of the veggies until they are chopped into a relish-like form. Transfer them to a bowl, and repeat with the rest of the veggies. We don’t want them pureed, just chopped really finely. That’s why we do it in two batches. And they don’t need no salt, pepper, oil — nothing!!

Pretend Breakfast Sausage Patties

Makes 8 to 10 patties

1 cup cooked green lentils, drained

1 tablespoon grated yellow onion

1 clove garlic, minced

1 teaspoon maple syrup

1/2 cup vital wheat gluten flour  

1/4 teaspoon vegetable bouillon powder

Pinch of chili flakes

1/2 teaspoon fennel seeds

1 teaspoon nutritional yeast  

1/4 teaspoon paprika

1/4 teaspoon salt


1/2 cup water

2 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil

In a large bowl, combine the lentils, onion, garlic, maple syrup, wheat gluten, bouillon powder, chili flakes, fennel seeds, nutritional yeast, paprika, salt, and a pinch of pepper. Mash it all together with your hands, then slowly add the water (you may not need all of it), continuing to mash, until it becomes a soft yet somewhat stretchy dough. Make sure there are no clumps of dry wheat gluten. Form the dough into a 2-inch-diameter log and wrap tightly in foil. In a steamer basket, steam for 1 hour.

When the steaming is complete, remove the foil and let the sausage cool to room temperature. When it’s cool, slice it into 8 to 10 patties.

In a pan, heat the oil over medium-high heat, then add your sausage patties (do it in batches if you need to). Cook for 3 to 4 minutes per side, or until they’re browned, then serve.

Mostest Ultimate-est Breakfast Sandwich in the History of the Universe by The Sexy Vegan.












Excerpted with permission from The Sexy Vegan Cookbook: Extraordinary Food from an Ordinary Dude ©2012 by Brian Patton.  Published with permission of New World Library.



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Founder, Director and Chief Editor of The Vegan Woman

Sivan is the founder, director, and chief editor of The Vegan Woman. As a vegan lifestyle expert and public speaker, Sivan leads interactive workshops and online communities that help men and women make the transition into veganism and plant-based diets an enjoyable and uplifting journey.

Sivan is also a writer and contributor on various vegan-living topics, and has been featured on CNN’s Eatocracy, Vegan Weddings HQ, Vegan Views, Vegan Lifestyle magazine, and other national and international platforms.

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